Unless you live under a rock, you’ve probably heard about birth order theory, or the idea that people’s personalities are shaped by how many older or younger siblings they have. According to received wisdom, eldest children tend to be responsible, intelligent, and ambitious; youngest children are apparently spoiled, attention-seeking, and rebellious; and middle children are the often-overlooked peacekeepers, diplomatic and agreeable. Only children, meanwhile, are creative and confident, but also self-centred. (Don’t shoot the messenger!)
It may not be—in fact, definitely isn’t—the most scientifically valid model of personality out there, but it seems to make intuitive sense to a lot of people. In a lot of cases, there’s an implicit assumption that the oldest sibling is the one with the best head on their shoulders.
One place where that plays out over and over again: Aging & End of Life Planning. Often, when drafting their Last Will & Testament, parents default to choosing their oldest child. Whether because eldest children are supposed to be the most organized ones, or just because first-borns were traditionally first in line to inherit their parents’ Estates, a lot of the time, it just feels like the logical choice.
But being the eldest child doesn’t automatically mean that somebody will also be the best fit for the Executor role. Being an Executor is demanding, time-consuming, and complicated work. It can go on for months or even years, depending on the situation. And it often means coming face-to-face with complicated family dynamics, intense emotions, and a whole lot of pressure.
What does being an Executor actually entail?
Executors are legal representatives, appointed by the deceased person through their Last Will & Testament, who are responsible for administering their Estate after they pass away. While the specific duties depend on the Estate and how complex it is, in general, that means Executors are responsible for:
- Identifying, assessing, and protecting the deceased person’s assets
- Settling unpaid debts, including taxes
- Distributing remaining assets according to the person’s Will
- Going through probate and dealing with any other legal challenges to the Will
That might not sound so bad in theory. But in practice, the work of an Executor can be gruelling. It means navigating complicated legal systems. It means tracking down all of a person’s assets, which can get tricky if a person didn’t keep their Will up to date (or if they didn’t have a Will at all). It means getting their house cleaned out and figuring out what to do with everything left inside of it. Even simple Estates can take months and months to be fully dealt with, not to mention a lot of unpaid labour in order to get there.
The emotional labour of being an Executor
We’ve established that being an Executor eats up a whole lot of time and energy. But it’s also challenging on an emotional level.
In the wake of losing a loved one, Executors have to push through their grief in order to make sure their Estate is properly handled. They also have to deal with all the expectations, hopes, and desires of family members and other beneficiaries—including when those people are angry or displeased about whatever’s in the Will.
To put it bluntly, loss often brings out the worst in people. It also causes old family tensions and wounds to resurface, bringing past rifts roaring back into the present. That, unfortunately, is a recipe for conflict—conflict that Executors have to deal with in order to make sure their job gets done.
Oldest isn’t always best
No matter what the birth order theory might say, the truth is that every family is different. For starters, oldest children are not, in fact, always the most responsible or organized of the bunch. On top of that, there may be other circumstances in their lives that could make acting as Executor even more difficult than it already needs to be. For example:
- They might have the least free time. If your eldest child is also the only one with young children or a demanding job, being Executor may be more of a strain.
- They live somewhere else. Being Executor means taking meetings with professionals, making appearances in court, and a whole lot more work that is best done (or might only be possible) in person.
- Their family relationships might be complicated. Executors must approach their work with fairness, neutrality, and transparency. If somebody has complicated feelings about family members or other beneficiaries in the Will, that could compromise their integrity.
- They may be averse to conflict. Executors often end up having to act as middlemen in other beneficiaries’ disputes. If they’re somebody who lacks conflict resolution skills, or who will get stressed out by being an intermediary, they might not be the right choice.
Choosing the right Executor
At the end of the day, when selecting an Executor, age is much less important than somebody’s overall personality, life circumstances, interpersonal skills—and, yes, whether they’re good with logistics and complex legal arrangements. Choosing the right person is important to ensure that your final wishes are honoured, while minimizing the amount of stress and potential for conflict that your loved ones have to endure in the process.
As with all things Aging & End of Life Planning, the best strategy for choosing an Executor is (drum roll please) open communication. Sitting down with all your children for a frank conversation about what the Executor role entails, and how each of them feels about it, will help you make an informed decision—while also letting your kids know what to expect in the future.
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